Archive for the 'asshattery' Category

Dear Brad Goehring…

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

So – you wish you could issue hunting licenses to “thin the herd” of liberals, huh?

Thin this, motherfucker.

Oh, sure. Now that you’ve been caught, you say you meant it metaphorically and hit “Share” too soon. Given that these:

have been around for a while (and are hot sellers at mainstream conservative events like CPAC), let’s just say I’m not buying it.

And while you’re at it, howzabout you take a look at the Wikipedia summary of “The Most Dangerous Game,” eh? If you feel up to it, personally I’d recommend the actual story – but based on your professed inability to operate Facebook’s UI, I’m assuming you’ll find the summary easier to handle.

Not that I’d gloat or anything…

Monday, March 1st, 2010

No, scratch that; I would.

This evening’s blast from the past was brought to you by my referrer log…

Remember that jackass troll, John H McConnel Jr and his third-rate social networking site, I got a visitor tonight who was referred here by a Google search for, and yes, I’m still in the first few results for that abomination.

Evidently they crashed and burned. Who would have guessed?

Clearly I’m a small-minded fool who doesn’t understand the internet.

In which our contemporary Crusader-wannabes demonstrate their complete and utter ahistoricism

Sunday, February 14th, 2010

Last week in Nashville, TN, a mosque was vandalized. After the positive community response was highlighted by Andrew Sullivan this afternoon, the comments section of various Nashville-area blogs covering the crime were flooded with strident anti-Muslim trolls – hey, it’s Teh Internets; we all know how this works, right?

Anti-Muslim grafitti in Nashville, TN


Anti-Muslim grafitti in Nashville, TN

To steal a catchphrase… sadly, no. May I present the flag of the Crusader Kingdom of Jerusalem?

Flag of the Kingdom of Jerusalem

Shorter Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA):

Tuesday, September 8th, 2009

Just because he’s President doesn’t mean he’s allowed to get all uppity-like.

Dear Megan McArdle:

Thursday, September 3rd, 2009

Using statistics about gun crime and violence to downplay the seriousness of carrying firearms to political demonstrations isn’t comparing apples to oranges so much as it is comparing apples to Orange-throated Tanagers. Why?

Because some people go looking for a confrontation, which is when Really Stupid Shit happens. And when it happens, it happens fast. If I’m their idea of a solution…

Friday, March 6th, 2009

…I have to call BS on the IQ part of their name!

When we first moved to Seattle, I submitted a resume to a local staffing firm, SolutionsIQ. They’re one of the big dogs in town, particularly when it comes to getting contract work @ The Beast of Redmond. I may have updated it for them when I got laid off five or six years ago, but still… five years is a pretty long time in the tech world. Periodically, I get semi-spam from them looking for MS SQL developers, which I delete. But today… today I got a doozy:

Job Description:
An Application Support Analyst III has in-depth experience, knowledge and skills in an application support discipline (Message Processing, Mediations, Provisioning, Billing, Web, Middleware, Retail Activation Systems, Payment Processing, etc…). An Analyst III is able to work independently on escalated issues and prioritizes, investigates and resolves them with minimal guidance from others. They function as the technical leads of their teams. Occasionally an Analyst III will be given opportunities to lead teams and projects to resolve complex technical issues.

• Telecommunications experience required (4 to 6 years preferred).
• Strong experience working with Oracle on Unix using command line and GUI SQL tools.
• Strong knowledge of relational database design and support, including the support of large carrier class enterprise software systems.
• System Analysis experience in the support/operation of a of large carrier class enterprise software system, preferably in a wireless environment.
• Experience in testing, quality and change management methodologies.
• Previous experience in 24hrs/day, 7days/week systems support capacity.
• Experience in troubleshooting customer related issues and managing customer relationships required (4 to 6 years preferred).
• Extensive experience with revenue reporting and accounting.
• Business systems analytical experience required (4 to 6 years preferred
• 4 year degree (In Information Technology related field preferred) or equivalent work experience
• Schedule Hours: M-F 8 – 5, some weekends and nights

If one were to draw a Venn diagram of ‘My Skills’ and ‘This job spam,’ the universe of overlap would be, at best, a single point: SQL. And it’s the wrong dialect of SQL, to boot. Oh, and I’ve developed some middleware components. That’s all. No telco, no Unix (I hadn’t even noodled around with Linux when I last updated my resume with them), no Oracle, no ‘support of large carrier class enterprise blah blah blah’, no 24/7 support, no revenue reporting, no accounting, nothing.

I fired off a terse WTF email in response – any matching algorithm worth its salt should have left me out of that one, unless they’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel for candidates. And to scrape quite so low as me with these particular requirements strikes me as bordering on malpractice.

In short, SolutionsIQ would appear to provide neither. Discuss.

When company presidents go trolling

Wednesday, July 30th, 2008

Welcome to the intertoobz, boys and girls. Web 2.0, and all that bullshit. Let’s step into the Not-So-Way-Back Machine, shall we, Mr. Peabody?

Seven months ago, in my part-time, volunteer role as webmaster for the Seattle Sea Kayak Club, I got an email from a web entrepreneur asking us to join his community. I sent him back a polite email detailing the issues I saw with his site (including pointing out a potential IP/copyright violation that his development team committed), and then wrote a snarky blog post about the experience.

Well, guess who came trolling tonight? (more…)


Friday, July 4th, 2008

At first, I thought it was typical penis-pill spam. You know the type: “Iron rod now!!!!!! 87% OFF FOR MAY! FREE SHIPPING!!!!”

As patterns go, it’s a pretty predictable one: some stupid erection analog with exclamation points (‘Erections!’ he ejaculated. Sorry. Free associating.) followed by some discount that’s never a number you ever see when actually, you know, shopping (94% off! 86% discount! 97%!!! Who discounts stuff at 97%? At that point, why not the age-old favorite “Hey kid, first one’s free.”?) followed by promises of discretion or free shipping or whatever else it takes to get you to click on their links.

Still, this one didn’t quite fit the pattern: “Shofars 60% OFF + FREE Delivery”

Lots of caps, a discount, free shipping, and a reference to a long, hard, pointy thing. But shofars? That’s pretty esoteric for spammers. So I had to open it… How could I not?

And lo! It really was for shofars. So, add to your list of dirty rotten spambags the Israeli company Evidently, lots of businesses share their mailing address, so I’m guessing that’s an Israeli version of Mailboxes, Etc.

Hey, since they had to have sent this late Friday night their time, isn’t it forbidden to spam on Shabbat? Or is a bot net for spamming more like the Sabbath elevators, and therefore not really work? Or maybe they’ve contracted with a Shabbat goy to send the spam…

Ah, questions for the ages!

Quiz time…

Saturday, May 31st, 2008

That some of Clinton’s supporters would think that trying to link Obama to drugs, murder & gay sex is an argument for Clinton’s electibility is ___________.

  1. stupid
  2. fucking weird
  3. mendacious
  4. pathological
  5. depressing
  6. all of the above


Someone come get me when it’s all over…

Watch out for – only the ‘.com’ part is true

Wednesday, May 14th, 2008

Just a ‘heads up’ about a commenter named ‘Jamie Holts’ who has been leaving a lot of innocuous comments on political blogs over the last 24 hours – ‘Jamie’ is a spammer. His ‘blog’ is, which appears to consist solely of content stolen from; his ‘blogroll’ consists of links to bulk emailing software, keylogger software, splog generation software, gambling sites and get-rich-quick sites.

‘Jamie’ is building up his site’s Google juice by leaving innocuous, link-free comments that will easily get past most comment spam traps; if you use a spam-fighting service like Askimet and get a comment from someone linking back to, please flag the comment as spam before you delete it.

Jamie Holts is a spammer; is a splog. Pass it on… :-) Curiously ineffective splog

Saturday, April 19th, 2008, also know as Math Resources, is a crappy little splog. You see, they scraped my content about The Boy’s math homework because, clearly, I’m providing some deep insight into math or homework or math homework. Isn’t it obvious that my account of eye-rolling is a highly-sought math resource? But wait! you say. What if they’re a (math) legitimate aggregator? You know, it’s (math) automated so maybe it’s (mathematics) overly inclusive?

Alas, this would be (math) wrong. See, they attributed my piece to ‘unknown’ – but the (math) spider/scraper/whatever-they’re-using stored my pseudonym to tack on to someone else’s stolen content.

So no, they just like to scrape the internet for keywords like math. Math. Math. Would I piss in their Google Juice by retyping keywords or phrases like math or mathematics or math test or math homework? Would I want them to steal this (math homework) content? I certainly (math) might.

As for the ‘curiously ineffective’ label? Their ad fraud has already been caught by Google. Pathetic little splog fraudsters… but I repeat myself.

Sweet Jesus Tap-dancing Christ, do I hate MySQL

Saturday, April 12th, 2008

Lest you think I’ve drunk deeply of the Open Source Kool-Aid, let me please politely but forcefully disabuse you of that notion… Let’s talk about MySQL.

So… MySql? This darling of the Open Source scene, recently purchased by Sun because they were losing out on that whole Web 2.0 thang and needed to acquire some piece of that hot, sweet, sweaty LAMP stack action by hook or crook? Yeah, that MySQL.

It sucks. And I don’t mean a little, I mean lots. And by lots I mean more suck than James Dyson will need in hundreds of lifetimes. I mean suck on the order of Harley-starting, golf-balls-through-garden-hoses, black-hole-consuming-galaxies suck.

Did I mention MySQL sucks?

As part of the project referenced in my last post, I need to match data in a MySQL database to data in an Excel spreadsheet to data in a Microsoft SQL Server database, then ported back to a MySQL database. The client wants the code that will do all this to be SQL, not a compiled language, which means that most of this will have to be written in MS SQL Server since that’s the only platform that can really read all three data formats. So what’s the problem with MySQL?

Where to begin…

Never mind MySQL’s atypical SQL dialect – that’s pretty much par for the course when it comes to SQL databases, and there are regular expression libraries and code bases out there that will convert 90% of your Microsoft-specific SQL code to MySQL-specific code. Forget MySQL’s use of the back-tick as a way of identifying table and field names – sure, quotes or square brackets would be far more standard, but maybe (maybe) the back-tick is in a reasonable position on a Swedish keyboard instead of being in the carpal-tunnel-inducing location it is on standard English keyboards. Because, you know, you wouldn’t want something to identify something as esoteric as table and field names to be in an inconvenient location, right? And we definitely won’t talk about how MySQL barely deserves to be classified as an RDBMS (Relational DataBase Management System) since it, well, doesn’t entirely support the R part of that acronym. Hey, referential integrity is overrated, right?

No, these idiosyncrasies pale beside the horror of actually trying to use MySQL’s tools. Oh, the command line tools work well enough, as does MySQL QueryBrowser and MySQL Administrator (as long as you don’t expect to work with anything other than MySQL data sources). No, let’s talk about their offerings intended to make MySQL a viable alternative for commercial solutions.

So, my struggles with Visio and MS SQL Server? Laughably minor when compared to how crappily MySQL’s Workbench works. Want to reverse-engineer a MySQL database with their visual designer? You can’t – at least, not with the ‘community’ version, only the commercial version. One problem with this – they haven’t released the commercial version yet, and the community version’s been available for a while now.

Want to migrate a MS SQL Server database to MySQL using MySQL’s Migration Toolkit? Good luck connecting to your MS SQL database. From what I can tell on MySQL’s forums, I am far from alone in facing this problem, and… there’s no clear fix for it. There are no checklists detailing what the configuration needs to be for either the source or destination server – you’re on your own, there. Oh, and don’t bother with the video ‘tutorial’ for migrating MS SQL to MySQL – besides being utterly simplistic, it shows the user doing something you can’t apparently do: save a connection to a MS SQL database for MySQL to reuse. Sure, you can edit the XML file that stores saved user connections – good luck finding documentation on what the values need to be for the connection elements to actually work properly.

So maybe you can port MS SQL structures and data by running MS SQL queries against a linked MySQL database. After all, as far as I can tell, every other database driver that lets you link MS SQL to other databases will let you do this – and you can do it in reverse, copying MySQL to MS SQL. Ha. Nope. Apparently, I don’t have privileges to do anything other than view data from the linked server – even though I’m connecting to it using the MySQL root login. “CREATE TABLE foo (bar INT NOT NULL, baz varchar(255) NULL);”? Forget it. Not gonna happen. Not using any of the tools provided by MySQL anyway.

Computers. Programmers. Software. Hmph.

Sweet Jesus Tap-dancing Christ, do I hate Microsoft

Friday, April 11th, 2008

Obviously, it’s been ages since I’ve had to do any formal database design work. My benchmark? I was totally unaware that you could no longer reverse-engineer or modify databases using Visio. Hasn’t been possible since, oh, something like Visio 2003.

(Aside: you can still use older versions of Visio to modify SQL Server 2005 databases, just expect a ton of (apparently harmless) error messages if you use the built-in SQL Server drivers. I’m led to believe that the ODBC driver will do it just fine, too. Thank whomever for legacy support for 16-bit technology, eh? Good luck finding a legal obsolete version of Visio, though.)

So I installed a 90-day trial of Visual Studio 2008 Team System. ‘Coz, you know, it includes the latest MS SQL development tools.

This entails…

…a 4GB download.

So I can export a database diagram I’ve already created to a format that, oh, I CAN SHARE WITH A CLIENT!

And, as it turns out, you still can’t actually export the database diagram in any form than a SQL script. Fortunately, we had an ancient version of Visio lying around the office. But damn…

(And don’t get me started on Apple, Sun, or the vast preponderance of Open Source stuff, either. Right now, I hate ’em all. Computers. Software. Programmers. Hmph.)

You want to put what and what in my where!?

Thursday, March 27th, 2008

Subject line in the spam folder today: “Put Fire and Ice in your Pants”

Who could possibly think that sounds enticing?

So… I’ll bring the oxy-acteylene torch, y’all bring the dry ice – if it’s such a good idea, I think we should have the spammer try it out for us. Who’s with me?

[edited shortly after posting to correct spam subject line]

Like myspace, only with less of a business plan!

Wednesday, December 12th, 2007

A couple of months ago, the Seattle Sea Kayak Club’s newsletter announced that they were looking for a new webmaster. Hey, I can do that, I thought; it’s a simple site, fairly static, something I can do on the weekends, and it’ll give an introvert like me a way to be more involved in SSKC. And lo, it did come to pass… My first impressions were right on the money.

Yesterday, yours truly got an email addressed to the SSKC webmaster inviting our club to join a new social networking site, eCountryLifestyle (yes, the ‘e’ is apparently italicized):

I am contacting your club because of your involvement with Paddling. We are creating a new concept in social networking that we call a Virtual Lifestyle Community. In our community we cover various topics and work with clubs involved with Paddling.

We are presently contacting a few select clubs from across the United States, all with lifestyle interests similar to your club members. Our website is a new concept which we strongly believe you will find especially beneficial to you and your club. We provide a new way for clubs, people, and trade associations to interact, network, and coordinate with others who share similar lifestyle interests.

First off, it ain’t gonna happen – SSKC is *so* not interested in participating in this kind of thing. But I figured that it couldn’t hurt to go check out the site.

Jesus Haploid Christ, what a train wreck…

First off, if it’s “eCountryLifestyle”, WTF are y’all doing contacting an urban paddling club? Outdoors? Yes. Country? Not so much.

Second, we’re a West Coast organization; your visual branding screams Midwest heartland or New England – mostly New England, given your graphics and your use of the phrase ‘town meeting’. Your vision of ‘country’ is way too small to have broad appeal.

Third – your promised content set is sorely lacking. Yes, the paddling articles I checked out were informative, and I didn’t notice any major inaccuracies, but who were they written by? What are their qualifications? You really have one person who is a subject matter expert on everything? And if they weren’t written from personal experience (which is fine, really), how about some citations of sources? Links? Footnotes?

Fourth – your promised content set is too broad. What are ‘Country Lifestyle’ recipes, anyway?

Fifth – your promised content set is too boring. Your ‘Country Lifestyle’ recipes? Teh suck. Your comics? Teh suck.

Sixth – your choice of technology is… interesting. If you manage to achieve the scale you want, you better have a full-time staff monitoring those forums, because phpBB is a spam magnet.

Seven – wrapping open-source technology in your own site while axing their copyright notice? Not cool. Very not cool. This isn’t your software. Put the ‘powered by’ notices back.


So, there you have it folks – a hearty ‘stay the hell away’ from eCountryLifestyle. They’re using other people’s software and counting on other people’s content to sell advertising. *sigh* Web 2.0 – just as many underpants gnomes as Web 1.0.